Don't ever borrow a book from me.

I don’t take time out to read much. I do however take time to sit on the toilet. This therefore is an opportunity, in the comfort of my own throne, to do 2 jobs at once. Input and output in perfect unison.

I’ve read many books in this fashion. 1984. A Brave New World. The Art of War. The Driver. The complete works of Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond, and a fair collection of Top Gear, Autosalon, and Fast Car UK magazines.

It’s not a new thing either. I recall as a child taking a mail order catalogue into the family sanctuary on many occasion to browse the toy section and decide what I wanted for Christmas that year. This continued into my teenage years where I discovered other sections of the catalogue but I wont go into that. Ever.

But there are a couple of problems with this habit in modern life. The first is that we are force fed “facts” about how, when in the confines of the sacred alter, we are in fact surrounded by poo. We are not just emptying ourselves of the stuff, but apparently, according to “science” (whatever that is) we are filling the very air we breath with the stuff. And it’s sticking to everything in the room. Our hands. Our sink. Our clothes. And yes, the books and magazines we read.

But so what? Unless I choose to donate my magazine collection to a doctors surgery (and many people do so think about that next time you pick one up) no one will be affected by my chosen reading location. But this leads me to my second problem. Work!

You see “sometimes” my body clock rebels and certain things have to be expelled during the working day. This in some respects is a good thing. “Downloading” or "Screen dumping" during the day is what we now term “company time”. Simply put, if you’re sitting down on the job, you’re being paid for it. That is kind of cool in an anti-authoritarian kind of way. However what is not cool is that it robs me of my reading time.

“Don’t worry” I hear you cry. “Technology has the answer”.

And it does. Almost every phone these days has the ability to connect to the web, or even display the contents of an “eBook” or PDF file. So the solution to “company time” is simple. Have the books I want to read ready to go on my tiny little flat screen iPhone look-a-like hand held device.

Sorted!

Except that you’re forgetting something. When I’m done and back at my desk, that phone will ring. Covered in poo particles it will ring and vibrate until I lift it up and put it to my face. Breathing in and opening my mouth wide to talk I'll hold that device next to my gob for maybe 10 minutes. Maybe more. All the time forgetting that it is just a few million microbes away from being as healthy as used toilet paper.

Nice.